


Zelena and Henry and the [Other] Two Idiots

by coalitiongirl_ficlets (coalitiongirl)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/F, Matchmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-21 16:51:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3699833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coalitiongirl/pseuds/coalitiongirl_ficlets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zelena attempts to set up Emma and Regina in her own very...unique...way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zelena and Henry and the [Other] Two Idiots

First Zelena tries crushing Hook’s heart, which isn’t an unwelcome attempt as far as Regina goes but Emma seems cranky about it.  _Please._ He shouldn’t have been looking at Emma that way. Or Regina. Or her, for that matter. Now he looks at them all with wary trepidation, which Zelena prefers by far.

Either way, it doesn’t work. Regina gives her a strict talking-to at dinner and Emma tries locking her up (Regina makes Emma wait to take her until after dinner because she’d made enough for three people and when Emma tries to take her place, Regina accuses her of police corruption and kicks her out instead) and Zelena’s beginning to get discouraged about the whole thing.

Next, she tries something more delicate. Secret messages! She copies poetry from one of those odd illustrated poems that Regina has downstairs, and she thinks Emma must be wondering about her secret admirer.  _Or maybe she already knows_ , Zelena thinks, spotting Regina and Emma leaning in close enough for their foreheads to nearly touch, Emma grinning at something Regina says.

But then, a week in, Emma pulls her over and says very gently, “Zelena, I know you’ve been writing me those letters, and I do think you’re kind of okay when you aren’t threatening to erase my entire existence, but I’m just not interested in a relationship.” Zelena is horrified and denies it all vigorously, and Emma departs with a suspicious frown and a final comment, “Loved the Dr. Seuss, though.”

She isn’t good at this whole…doing something nice for your sister thing. She’s been much more interested in the  _killing_ part than the part where she makes Regina smile, but Regina does have a lovely smile, and she smiles most when Emma is around. This is sort of like her redemption, isn’t it?

So Zelena tries again, goes for gold and teams up with Snow White. (“You’re sure you’re not trying to kill one of us?” Snow asks dubiously when she suggests it. “I’m not falling for  _that_ again.”) They coordinate lunch dates with their respective family members and stand them up (Emma comes twenty minutes late and Regina has already left), they send flowers to Regina’s office (Regina assumes they’re a cursed revenge from someone in town and sets them on fire), and they arrange a babysitting mixup that has Emma and Regina both watching Neal (Emma holds Neal upside down and he vomits on Regina, and Emma hides from Regina for a full week following).

They try  _everything_ , and even Snow is suggesting that it isn’t meant to be when Zelena mixes a love spell that goes wrong and Henry walks in on his aunt in a passionate embrace with his grandmother. “If they’re going to find love, it won’t be with our help,” she says gloomily, still avoiding Zelena’s eyes.

“I don’t give up,” Zelena retorts, and tries trapping them in an elevator instead (They poof out and Zelena is banned from Town Hall). She reads up on matchmaking ideas on the Internet and suggests they all join one of the town dating groups (Regina is paired up with Leroy and turns him into a toad. They’re all asked not to come again). They all go to the movies, and Zelena empties the theater of everyone but them.

She’s learned some of the laws in this world by now, and she knows that you aren’t allowed to shout “Fire!” in a crowded theater. She hadn’t known that you can’t  _set_ a fire in a crowded theater while making sure that the mayor and the sheriff are magically oblivious to it, and when Emma finishes hacking out smoke as she drags Regina out (“ _Again_ ,” she says, shaking her head), she drags Zelena back to the sheriff’s station for some real time in jail.

“You have to get over this crush,” Regina orders her from the other side of the bars. “Emma isn’t going to date you, no matter how hard you try to…I don’t know, sleep with her mother? Force her on dates with me as chaperone?” Her lips purse together. “Was that poisoned plant you trying to knock out the competition?”

“You’re competition?” Emma says from behind her, frowning at both of them. Zelena knows the emotion well enough to detect the gleam of hope in Emma’s eye.

Regina spins around, looking very flustered. “Well, for your attention, I suppose, and you know how Zelena is about everything I care about–“ She shakes her head. “I have to go. I have…a meeting.”

Emma takes a step forward, face tilted and eyes gleaming so strongly that it tugs at something in Zelena’s heart. “It’s nine PM.”

Regina blinks very rapidly. “I have a meeting…with a vampire. Locally. A local vampire. In my crypt.”

She bolts out the door and Emma bounds after her, calling, “Wait, I know you’re just running away from me, but  _vampires are real_?”

Zelena sits down on the cell cot. One cell over, a drunk-and-disorderly Hook waggles his eyebrows and says, “Well then, love, if you’re free, I do like a woman who’s tried to murder me at least once.”

Matchmaking had fucking  _better_  count as her redemption.


End file.
